This time, I’m gonna be stronger I’m not giving in.
I must acknowledge my Enneagram Type 7 – fear of anxiety/missing out on new experiences/impulsive escapist attitude
“Sevens attempt to control their level of anxiety by keeping their attention occupied with ideas and possibilities that excite them. They keep their mind full of activities that they can look forward to, positive experiences that they know they will enjoy. Every time anxiety rears its head, Sevens are ready with a new adventure, a new book, a workshop they plan to attend, or an exciting new relationship. As long as they can keep their attention occupied with positive expectations, Sevens can hold their pain and anxiety at bay. They do not want to deal with their anxiety or examine its causes in their lives because doing so draws them inward, making them more anxious, while extroversion pulls them outward, toward the environment, repressing anxiety, at least temporarily. They discover that the distractions which their activities provide repress anxiety whenever it threatens to erupt into consciousness, but that they need to keep searching for exciting activities to keep themselves safe from their inner distress. They therefore throw themselves into more and more experiences to avoid having to face anxiety or any feeling of unhappiness…”
The problem is that the more Sevens fill up their minds anticipating the fun they will have in the future, the less they are in touch with whatever experience they are having in the present
The more anxious they get, the more they distract themselves by anticipating the future and the less their experiences serve to quell their anxiety. Sevens keep fleeing outward into the world of experience as they try to outrun the fear and hurt inside them. But the more they flee, the bigger the thrills they need and the harder they are to sustain.
Well…folks, I already knew this about myself. But knowing is half the battle. Knowledge is nothing. Action is everything.
and i’ve had just the SLAP TO REALITY that i’ve needed to take myself seriously.
The truth: ITS BEEN OVER A MONTH SINCE I’VE WALKED.
As of May 28, I’ve been in the hospital for a total of 15 days bedridden and went through 3 surgeries and got pumped with IVs in 6 different places. I’m currently still going to the hospital everyday for hyperbaric oxygen therapy to repair cells/quicken the healing process. I’ve placed myself willingly under house arrest for a total of 3-4 weeks.
I’m at the point where I don’t really want to talk about it because this has been the story I’ve repeated over and over again…to 6 different doctors and to the rest of my worried friends and family from Taiwan and the US.
The main point is- that i’ve learned (the hard way) that I do things to myself without understanding consequences. I think I’m invincible to pain but then I learn that the human body has a funny way of catching up to you before you realize it.
But i’ve grown stronger in a way. Mentally speaking. Anyway, these are just some insights that I’ve taken from reading a book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben that led me to seek out truth in my own process.
I am happy, but I want to be happier/more grateful/less anxious about future/more appreciative of the present.
I’m excited by the environment and respond strongly to my surroundings, throwing myself into the world of experience with enormous vitality. But is this childlike wonder/excitement sustainable?
Living a life of paradox
I want to change myself but accept myself
I want to take myself less seriously but also take myself more seriously
I wanted to use my time productively but also have time to wander and play
I want to live in the moment but not worry that day-by-day is going to waste
So how do you change without having to change at all?
- Be yourself
- let it go
- act the way I want to feel
- do it now
- be fair
- enjoy the process
- lighten up / cheer up / be silly
- do what ought to be done
- no comparisons or calculations
- there is only love
- forget the past
- spread joy
- never bother with people who don’t matter
- stay in touch
- life is fleeting
- create something that wasn’t there before
- stop collecting useless crap
- make mistakes
- Give thanks: for the ordinary and the extraordinary
- create something that wasn’t there before
- Choose not to take things personally
- This too shall pass
- I am already enough
- What do I really, really, really want
- Keep it simple
- If you can’t get out of it, get into it
If I had to pick 10
1. Be Tiff Lin – be comfortable with yourself and know your limits
2. Do good, feel good – when you do a good selfless deed, you feel it lift you up
3. Don’t make promises you can’t keep
4. Always arrive on time – it’s a sign of respect and is the first step towards being true to your word
5. Inspire and be inspired – teach and learn simultaneously- share/exchange
6. Life is simple- don’t overthink/assume – you can’t predict everything
7. Listen to others and accept them for who they are despite their differences= everyone has a story
8. Be more patient and generous with time – small steps equate to big changes
9. Be a powerhouse of energy for others to follow- mental/body/spiritual
10. Enjoy the moment for it might be your last
Secrets of Adulthood
1. its okay to ask for help
2. do good, feel good
3. its important to be nice to everyone
4. people don’t notice your mistakes as much as you think
5. what you do every day matters more than what you do once in awhile
6. consistency and routine and healthy daily habits count more
Why study happiness?
Happiness can prepare you for adversity- to develop the self-discipline and the mental habits to deal with a bad thing when it happens
Happiness can prepare your mind to be mentally strong
Having now being forced to be indoors during recovery, I have to find other alternative options to substitute what once made me happy (expressing myself through movement/activity/constant stimulation/meeting strangers and hearing stories) and to find another way to be constantly stimulated (drawing, writing, painting, poetry, reading, decluttering, personal projects)
MIND OVER BODY BETCHES!
I’ll dedicate a post on each. It’s been fun in a way. Learning that with focus I can do quite a lot.
Everyday is hard. Every morning I wake up, I have to remind myself that happiness is a choice. And put myself through “my process”
But it’s still been a learning journey and that’s all I can ask for of myself. at this present time.
We hear the voice in our head that lets us know we exist
We are half conscious and
We start to question last night’s dream.
“was that really me?”
Temporary access allowing access to wild visions
Transforming the way we see the world
and our place in it
Without knowing it we’ve been unplugged
We reevaluate current belief systems
Decondition our thinking
Unwary of conventional norms
“What is right versus wrong?”
Out of bed
Feeling the floor beneath my feet
Smelling stale air and nothing more
Seeing a reflection of zombie eyes
Hearing chirping birds, too early to care
Feel 5 elements all at once
Smell the slow stagnation of my aging body
See a world of ambiance and energy audio waves
Hear music move and blast me inside out
“Hello, I’d like some psychedelic drugs please.”
What is truth?
Is it concrete?
Science, mathematics, empirical evidence
E=MC squared constitute reality, but…
Can truth be subjective?
Can it be a risk?
Can it be infinite?
Can it be wonder?
Voyaging through strange seas of Thought
Can we come across truth
when those things we fear the most
end up being the greatest therapy
Life really does begin at the end of your comfort zone
So take that leap or die trying
YEARNING for home.
Definition of Yearn:
Have an intense feeling or longing for something, typically something that one has lost or been separated from
For me, I believe I’m yearning for wanderlust, seeking for connection, for consistent ties to a place I could call home.
As I become more “wordly-wise,” I see myself becoming more scattered, amazed and awed by the infinite opportunities outside, but less focused and confused on picking the right direction. Paradox of choice.
The relationship between home and yearning is a common one. I can use Kenneth Grahame’s classic The Wind in the Willows and the characters Mole, Rat, Toad, Badger to identify with.
Mole is a responsible citizen that all of a sudden wanted to abandon his home and his springcleaning duties to go adventuring one day. As he goes on his journey, the feeling of homesickness prevails.
It starts off as “is this it? Or is there more out there?” to “what am I searching for?”
Rat lives a gentle life of hedonism and is confident that his home by the riverbank is the right place to be. And that nothing else is worth exploring. Rat is immune to deeper yearning because he’s already found home.
“I know what I want and I know what I like.” “What else is there to explore when I am perfectly content here”
Toad’s never really fully present with how good he has it and throughout the story is getting into trouble as he’s restlessly seeking external stimulation.
“I’m bored…let’s go onto the next adventure!”
Badger is the “wise hermit” who watches over the lives of others and is comfortable with both the world and his place in it.
“This is life. This is where I am. I’m at peace with it and myself”
Aren’t we all Mole’s, Rat’s, Toad’s, Badger’s at one point in our lives?
So is it valid to say that most people when you are young and naiv yearn to get away from home. It’s too comfortable/boring. I want freedom!
As you age, you yearn to find home again- wherever that may be. Maybe it is returning back home to where you could reminisce when things felt right/were easy/they were taken care of. Homesickness, feeling of belonging
But as you go back you’ve realized that its no longer the same anymore. Home has changed. YOU have changed. The pace is not the same. The familiarity you had once associated with feels “off” as the materials you had accumulated in that past life. The things and even the people that you thought once made up YOU have now seemed detached.
Ex: Me stripping myself from 90% of my possessions in New York. No more ties. Simplicity. Removing excess. I am not my things.
I’m happy to leave New Jersey and moved past my decision to leave my beloved New York. I wanted to go back “home” to Taiwan where I was born and where family is. It took a couple of months for me to realize that the restlessness I blamed on New York’s fast pace was really something I had in my mind/heart that will stay as long as I’m in “explorer” “couchsurfer” mode no matter where I go.
It’s hard to feel “settled down” somewhere when I feel like my roots can detach themselves so easily from one place to the next. But because i’m never fully settled down, when it comes to a hobby or to a new relationship, i have a tendency to just run away when things start to get real or complicated.
It’s like I know I am still a Toad but I’m forcing myself to evolve into Badger! Why can’t I just evolve already…
To yearn is to evaluate your current being and find it wanting/needing for the familiar/unfamiliar. For something you can’t even name. Mole was yearning for adventure and throughout his journey realized he just wanted to go back home…wherever that may be. To yearn is to simultaneously realize that there is more to your life ..and in some aspects that its not enough. Yearning messes with the tempo of your life…in both a good and bad way. It depends on the outcome I guess.
We all may give in to yearning at one point. A yearning for a new adventure. A journey we began because the concept of not leaving would leave you even worse off. The concept of the “what if?” and “I’ll never know if I don’t go out and do it now”
Sometimes I do things just to see how I would react. Saying “yes” opens up more doors. But it’s what you do after that is the real kicker. The extent of involvement. How deep you are committed to something throws you over the edge into “I’m ready to go all in” or “I’m ready to come back home”
Yearning for me was triggered by meeting random strangers and having amazing conversations about worlds unexplored. It’s worth yearning for adventure…but at what cost?
When Mole yearned for adventure and then finally felt it was ready to go home, did he feel content and at ease ?
If a yearner is by nature propelled by inner restlessness, when will they ever stop?
At what point does contentment happen? Some say when people have found “home” in the form of “true love”. But shit, I’m way too cynical for that.
As I change and evolve over time, watching the world in a blur as perspectives shift around me, I hope to be like Badger and just go with it…experience myself as part of this evolving blur.
But I can’t stop asking myself….When am I ready to come “home?” Where is “home?” “Should I stay or should I go?”
I recently started taking a poetry workshop.
It’s a way for me to EXPRESS MYSELF!
I See and then i Feel
I see kids playing in the park tripping on their feet
I see dancers closing their eyes grooving to the beat
I see people zoning out in the subway on their phones
I feel naturally free and empty, just observing
I see the Internet and imagine lives-that-might-have-been-mine
I see people growing farther in distance spread across time
I see in multiple tabs and in alternate and present realities
I feel evolving relationships of increased intensity, just yearning
I see restlessness radiating from my body through scars on my journey
I see anticipation as thinking is stimulated by constant activity
I see confidence and happiness go up and down in waves and i wonder why
I feel those fleeting emotions intensify as I adjust to finding the right pace, just breathing
I see metaphorically speaking
Uncertainty is a way of being
And while I try and pave my own path
I feel and learn simultaneously, just living
Oh the gap between “Who I am now versus who I will be”
I acknowledge that I am my own worst enemy.
For months now, I’ve been working on myself. I mean isn’t that the point of traveling? Couch/bed/floor/beanbag surfing 19 different cities on 20+ different surfaces with +20 or so different modes of transportation in a span of 2 months? Ridiculous…these numbers mean nothing to me now and in fact paint an entirely different story to what I can recall was an amazing well use of time/budget. Numbers just seem like a point of validation. And I’m beginning to understand that validation is what ha(s)(d) define(s)(d) me (middle child Taiwan-born American-raised born in unconventional family circumstances seeking for attention/understanding?) for the majority of my life.
“Life is full of beautiful yet fleeting moments” That’s the mantra that I had chanted on my independent travel abroad prior to coming to Taiwan (to study Chinese for 3 months/reunite with family). Fleeting is right. Yet right now on this cold rainy night …I’m kicking myself for feeling this creeping inexplicable emptiness…its a sense of shame and guilt that this phase of my journey may be considered “the beginning” or “the end” …and its this uncertainty that I don’t know exactly how to react to anymore. At first, I thrived on it, but now i’m not so sure. The emotion of “emptiness” had just left me as I am writing this sentence. Because as soon as I’ve done typing…i’m looking back and just literally scoffing at myself for how pathetic it sounds. There you go. fleeting. its ups and lows here. its weird.
i think it’s because this is the 4th month i’m in Taiwan yet I feel like I have nothing tangible to show for it.
Wonder/Ponder Moment: Why is it so easy for me to be the highest ideal of myself when I know that I’ll be leaving within a week span? I pride in myself that I have the ability to connect with so many people on so many levels and feel completely free…to be the weird little kid captured in awe over everything new about my surroundings …to revel/shake people up to see and appreciate their environment with new eyes.
“YOU HAVE STARS! INFINITE STARS ABOVE YOUR EYES” – I scream, to my CS host in Queenstown, NZ. It was a beautiful moment and an amazing sight, walking uphill for 10 minutes back home gazing up at the pitch black starry sky…Having lived in NYC for the past 6 years, you begin to forget that theres another universe out there….all you have to do is look up.
SO…i’m starting over. Taiwan is a really interesting place to live right now. But i find the Taiwanese don’t understand. I want to explore this further. How? Well, thats thinking too much already. I need to just do for now.
I think the first 3 months was a lot about me adapting to something “Stable” “routine”..but I’ve taken many personality tests and even the DISC (a dedicated post on that later) to see that i demand a fast paced environment where I’m encouraged to constantly learn and inquire. I seek freedom from routine, control, and minutia ….so why fight it? My lifestyle is comfortable right now…and i struggle with that.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone (emphasis on ambition/risk/adventure) vs Be content and happy where you are right now. Live in the present (emphasize Mind Zen). i fight both constantly.
but i digress….(shit i think this whole post has just been a lot of digressions huh?)
Back to the point of writing “I acknowledge that I am my own worst enemy”
I’ve been meaning to write for a long time but there would always be something holding me back. Another “busy” task I add onto my list. A friend/mentor/lover said “Just start” With a notepad in hand, I’m doing just that.
What I’m working on:
Generally: To focus. To channel my interests. To learn for the sake of learning. To be present and aware of my surroundings. To create. To commit. To ask questions. To observe. To listen. To see with new eyes. To write
Specifically: My website. My photography. My videos via Google Glass. My chinese. Piano. Cultivating relationships. Saying “no” . Priorities. Myself.
ah, its good to get that out of there.
I acknowledge that I am not the best comprehensive writer. That i am a bit scatter brained. That I do tend to think too much…and can sometimes find myself lost in the infinite abyss of my endless mind….but then again, this is me, for me….
You have the option to x out whenever you want.
tomorrow, i’m sure i’ll read this and shake my head in embarrassment. but then ill bask in it. and move on.
you gotta start somewhere. What are we without our words? You declare something to the world and its one step closer to making it happen.
such is life.
- You have distinctive preference of Extraversion over Introversion (67%)
- You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (25%)
- You have distinctive preference of Feeling over Thinking (62%)
- You have moderate preference of Perceiving over Judging (33%)
ENFPs are both “idea”-people and “people”-people, who see everyone and everything as part of a cosmic whole. They want to both help and to be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. This is rarely a problem for the ENFP, as they are outgoing and warm, and genuinely like people. Some ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality.
ENFPs often have strong, if sometimes surprising, values and viewpoints. They tend to try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade others gently (though enthusiastically) of the rightness of these views; this sometimes results in the ENFP neglecting their nearest and dearest while caught up their efforts to change the world.
ENFPs can be the warmest, kindest, and most sympathetic of mates; affectionate, demonstrative, and spontaneous. Many in relationships with an ENFP literally say, “They light up my life.” But there is usually a trade-off: the partner must be willing to deal with the practical and financial aspects of the relationship, and the ENFP must be allowed the freedom to follow their latest path, whatever that entails.
For some ENFPs, relationships can be seriously tested by their short attention spans and emotional needs. They are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting their older and more familiar emotional ties for long stretches at a time. And the less mature ENFP may need to feel they’re the constant center of attention, to confirm their image of themselves as a wonderful and fascinating person.
In the workplace, ENFPs are pleasant and friendly, and interact in a positive and creative manner with both their co-workers and the public. ENFPs are also a major asset in brainstorming sessions; follow-through on projects can be a problem, however. ENFPs do get distracted, especially if another interesting issue comes along. They also tend towards procrastination, and dislike performing small, uninteresting tasks. ENFPs are most productive when working in a group with a few Js to handle the details and the deadlines.
Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.
One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.
ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.
Sounds about right.
If you are too lazy to take the 5 minute test, you can just figure it out here on Buzzfeed.
Creative and contagiously happy, ENFPs have boundless energy and an appetite for learning about new things and meeting new peope. They bring joy to others and are keenly perceptive to the needs of those around them. They are vivacious and popular enthusiasts. ENFPs tend to get bored easily, and they are always ready for the latest and the greatest in friends, relationships, experiences, and ocean jumping